Day of Life 2017

Every year on November 20, I reflect on my battle with mental illness--specifically bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. 2017 was my third post, and it is re-posted here.

Today marks ten years since I attempted suicide, and the third year I've publicly celebrated life with all of you. I hope you take a moment and read or re-read my original post to hear a bit about my story.

This year has been one of the more challenging of the ten since I tried to take my life. I found myself moving on from my career and then striking out on the job market, and struggling through a few ultimate seasons in ways I haven't before. I also landed in the ER and the hospital for the first time in those ten years and spent five days in a psychiatric unit. It was a terrifying experience, and one of the worst weeks of my life. It was horrific for my family and loved ones. I hope I never have to go through something like that again.

But it served as a reminder to me that my battle with bipolar is a serious one, and that I need to take it seriously all the time. Sometimes that means medicine. It always means therapy. It means focusing on the tools I have to fight back and using them regularly and effectively. It means seeking help. It was a reminder that even though I'm on one hell of a winning streak in my fight with this illness, taking an L isn't really an option.

As with the past two years, I don't share this because I want to freak you out or give you too much information. It's really scary and really hard to write this post every year, and this year more than most. It's scary to tell a huge swath of people in or on the outskirts of my life the truth about mental illness, because unfortunately so many reactions are to immediately think the worst of me. That I'm in some way incapable or crazy or dangerous. And that's not true. Spending nearly all of 2017 underemployed or unemployed makes sharing an even greater risk; some prospective employer out there could see this and decide I'm not worth the trouble.

I share this because it shouldn't be that way. I'm actually pretty awesome. I'm a creative and collaborative worker who loves solving problems. I'm a proud leader of dozens of men every year through the course of multiple ultimate seasons. I'm a brother, son, boyfriend, friend, and now (screeeeeeee!!) I'm an uncle. I'm not always perfect at those things, not by a long shot. I have dark days, dark weeks. But no one is perfect. We are all just trying our best out here in our lives.

I share this because you have friends, family, co-workers who are fighting for their lives every day. Those people aren't liabilities, or weak. They are powerhouses. Whether their lives look like mine or not, they are stronger than you can imagine to make it through life in a world where most folks don't believe in their ailment is a real medical concern (can you imagine if people didn't believe cancer was real?), and don't know how or aren't comfortable supporting them through it. Change that. Believe them. Believe in them. Support them by learning everything you can about their illness, by showing up, by giving space, by loving them.

I share this for those locked into their own battles out there to hear, as many times as I can say it--you are not alone. You are strong. You already beat this, every single day of your life. And you can keep winning every single day. You've shown you can. But seeking help isn't weak, it's critical. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, or ashamed of. You are a damn superhero every day. You are a warrior. You are a survivor. No one can take that from you.

And I share this because the more I talk about it and the more you understand, the more the stigma surrounding bipolar and all mental illnesses will be broken down. The less likely it will become for someone to think twice about hiring someone like me. The sooner these warriors can be loved and cared for the way that we love and care for anyone who is ill.

If you or someone you know fights this fight, and you'd like to share your story with me, I would be love to listen to it. If you'd like to hear more about mine, I'd love to tell you.

Lastly, a huge thank you to all of you who have been there for me, who are there for the people in your lives fighting like I am. Without you, I'm simply not here anymore. I love you all for that, and for all that you've given to me, big and small.

It's my tenth Day of Life! I can't wait to see what this year means to me in my growth and in my journey. Cheers, my friends!