Day of Life 2020
Originally posted on November 20, 2020.
**Trigger warning for mental illness and suicide.**
Hello everyone, thanks in advance for reading such a long post. Folks that have been Facebook friends for years will recognize this as my annual celebration of my Day of Life, my 13th. Back on November 20, 2007, I attempted suicide. Since 2015, on this date I have written about the challenges of living with bipolar disorder in effort to break stigmas surrounding mental illness.
This is usually a celebratory post on making it another year, but I don’t feel much like celebrating this year. By a wide margin, 2020 has been the hardest and worst year of my life. My nightmare unemployment has continued, and this spring my significant other of four years suddenly and unexpectedly broke things off. This, against the backdrop of a fraught election cycle, national racial and social unrest, and of course the COVID-19 pandemic.
Dealing with these personal and global anxieties and profound heartbreaks, on top of juggling new medication for bipolar, would be hard enough. But, like most folks both with mental illnesses or without, I’ve been unable to access the things that would ordinarily help me fight through the storm. In my case, coaching ultimate and getting to spend time with friends gives me life and a sense of purpose. With the pandemic, there is no ultimate and there are no safe ways to see all the people I would like to see. People who battle mental illness come up with tools, methods of coping with their mania, depression, anxiety, or other battles they face. So many people are like me in this era of COVID, robbed of things that made them feel safe in their fight against a mental illness.
For many of us, the battle against mental illness is endless, with no opportunity to stop the struggle and rest. In some cases, such as with a disease like bipolar, giving up the fight even for a day means facing a significant risk of suicide. People who deal with clinical depression and/or anxiety often also suffer through suicidal ideation, daydreaming about ending things. With bipolar, the added element of mania can more often turn those thoughts into horrible action; in the United States, up to 19% of people with bipolar die from suicide.
And, to be candid, that’s where I’ve spent most all of this year. I think about suicide weekly, and in some bad stretches, daily. I just get so tired of fighting bipolar through this really shitty part of my life, during this terrifying time in history. The daily struggle has felt less like a steep mountain to climb, and more like a hamster wheel--no matter how hard or long I run, I get off right where I got on. I’ve been staring over the edge, and I don’t understand what I see.
This is what makes treatment so critical. I’ve been meeting with both a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly, talking through new methods of coping, trying out new medicines. I’ve started running again for the first time in years. I’m eating healthier. I am sleeping a healthy amount. This proactive care builds up and creates a base for someone who deals with mental illness, giving them room to expand the tools they have to deal with the endless fight, to stay more balanced than they otherwise would be.
As always, this post is NOT a cry for help, even in a year as rough as this. I have a wonderful support system in place, both family and professionals. My call to action is for you to seek information, to empathize with me and others with mental illnesses, and to break down the stigma surrounding the whole thing. In this year’s post, I focused a bit more on suicide and the challenges of battling mental illness during the pandemic. In previous years, I have spent more time talking about bipolar or about mental illness in general. I’ve also posted about one of the greatest stigmas, gun violence and mental illness. Some of these posts are quite good, if I do say so myself, and some are sourced. This year is easily the least amount of information I have included, so I challenge you to read through my old posts and learn more so that you can help to break the stigma and make the world an easier place to live for folks like me.
For those of you who are fighting mental illness, I want to tell you how strong you are for doing so. I want you to know how proud I am of you for continuing to survive and often thrive despite the obstacles you face every single day. I hope you are able to celebrate yourself for your strength and courage. I hope you have people around you who do the same. And I hope you have professional help; the suicide hotline is 800-273-8255 if you ever find yourself in a spot where you need the help. You are amazing, and I’m so in awe of each of you.
You can also donate money towards organizations that break down stigmas and help provide better mental health care in our country. Here is a link for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Consider donating $13, but of course any amount is helpful and appreciated.
Here’s to 13 years celebrating my Day of Life, and here’s to many more. Love y'all.