Day of Life 2021
Originally posted on November 20, 2021.
As long time Facebook friends may remember, every year on November 20 I put together a post to address mental illness and the stigma that surrounds it. This post comes on the anniversary of of first suicide attempt, 14 years ago. And so I celebrate what I call my 14th Day of Life by trying to educate those around me about mental illness, and let those who battle mental illness know that they are not alone.
I have bipolar disorder II, as well as anxiety. Bipolar is largely made up of two states—depression and mania. Unfortunately, many people are familiar with depression, especially through the last few years. Depression is clinical and has the capacity to completely level the people who suffer from it. People dealing with depression can struggle to move at times, making even the most basic tasks in everyday life such as showering or brushing their teeth a nearly insurmountable mountain.
Mania is much more unique from person to person. For me, it comes in spurts of a day or four, once a month or so. When I am in a manic episode, I will hyperfocus on something specific—something not of my choosing. This can be an absolute super power at times, if I latch on to coaching, work, cleaning my house, exercise, things like that. But more often it will latch on to more unproductive things, such as the need to physically escape from my house, unhealthy sexual pursuits, relationships with people who aren’t in my life, even doing harm to myself—I am in control, but my mind will not let me think of anything other than whatever it has hyperfocused on. Even the “positive” manic episodes are accompanied by a lack of sleep, high stress, frustration and irritation with others (mostly that they cannot read my mind as it zooms along), an inability to articulate my thoughts well. It is exhausting and terrible, and is almost always followed by a huge crash into depression.
For folks with bipolar disorder, mania makes depression extremely dangerous. In my case, I cannot choose what I hyperfocus on. What if I have a manic episode revolving around suicide? What if every waking thought is about that, for days on end? There can be lethal results. In the United States, roughly 19% of people with bipolar disorder die from suicide.
It is important to emphasize that this is a disease, and one without a cure. I have a loving family, supportive and kind friends, I have a job, and a fulfilling passion in the sport of ultimate. Despite some horrific stretches personally, and despite the deeply upsetting and triggering news we see in our country with racial, social and environmental issues, I have a life I can be happy with. I am privileged in all ways besides my mental health—I am a middle class, straight, white, cisgendered male. This is not to say those things are good, just that society is (very unfortunately) slanted in a way that makes it easier for people like me to have success. I have a relatively easy life, and I am loved. But this does not cure my mental illness. Everything can be going right, and I can be leveled by a depressive episode or batted around by a manic one. Life can be perfect, and I can still be suicidal. It is not a feeling, or mood. It is a medical condition surrounding the way my brain works on a physical level.
This is why it is so important for someone with mental illness to have access to the best treatment they can have. I have both medicine and therapy. Each make a big difference to my literal survival. It is treated the way a physical illness is treated because it is one.
Unfortunately, this level of care is not readily accessible for most. Medicine is expensive, and many insurances do not cover mental health therapy. This is an enormous failing in our country—according to the National Institute of Health, nearly 1 in 5 Americans have some form of mental illness. Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death—second for folks between the ages of 10 and 34, and fourth for folks between the ages of 35 and 44. It is even bleaker for men; 70 percent of suicides in the United States are from men. Some mental institutions can be dangerous for those seeking treatment, with unsafe, prison-like conditions and a lack of autonomy for those being treated both common experiences.
Since I first started writing these posts in 2015, the level of mental health awareness in our country has increased significantly. With it, some of the stigma surrounding those mental illnesses has decreased. We are taking steps. But those statistics and the lack of affordable, accessible, safe care and treatment speak to a larger, more urgent need. People like me are dying, regularly, and more frequently all the time. The state of mental health care in the United States is catastrophically poor. We must do something about it.
For me personally, this issue is important to me lately more than ever. While I have been suicidal countless times, I only ever had the one suicide attempt in 2007. On February 2 of this year, that changed with another attempt, my first in 14 years. It was scary, and traumatic, and unexpected. In spite of all I have going for me, despite how seriously I take my treatment, and even though I have an excellent support system, I had a brush with death.
As always, I share this not as a cry for help. I am proactively taking care of me, and use my personal and professional support systems, and medication, to be as healthy and safe as possible.
I share this to ask you to educate yourself about mental illness. With that education, you can become more empathetic, understand to people in your life and outside of it, who battle daily with these diseases and disorders. With that understanding, you can become outspoken in the causes of breaking stigma and providing better care. Make it so you support political and social policies and independent organizations that will improve the care and treatment of mental illness. Care about it. Care for others.
I have written about this a lot through the years, often much more eloquently than I have here. If you’d like a place to start to learn, here are some posts for you. Some of them have detailed statistics, which are well-sourced. I believe the posts I’ve linked here about firearms and mental illness are especially important; this addresses one of the biggest stigmas surrounding mental illness:
Another thing you can do, if you have the means, is to support this cause monetarily. Please consider donating $14, or some other amount, to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention or another organization with a similar mission.
I would like to wrap this post up as I do most years—I want to address others who are dealing with mental health concerns. Even if you do not have a major mental illness, mental health is important and it is critical that you invest in it. Everyone should seek treatment however they are able, for mental health ailments big and small.
You are not alone. There are many of us. You are strong. Even hard days, the days that you feel have gotten the best of you, you have made it through. You can do this. I am proud of you. And if you ever need immediate help, call the suicide hotline at 800-273-8255.
Here’s to my 14th Day of Life. Thank you all for the support. Love y’all.